I find jokes a wonderful source of entertainment. I’ve noticed they are most effective when used in a context. I often use them for icebreakers. I find people around me tend to let their guard down and relax when they realise I’m sillier than they are! Here’s a collection of some of my favourite jokes.
What do you call a bee from America?
A US bee (USB).
me: I’ve been looking for a turban and found one online.
me: At sikh.com (seek.com)
me: I hope you don’t pay your bills online? It’s very dangerous!
me: Well, last night, I tried to pay my water bill and electricity bill online at the same time… I almost got electrocuted!
The Arial font walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve your type in here!’
What did Jay-Z call his wife before he married her?
Forty-five cent concert
What concert costs 45¢
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
me: Milk’s very bad for you. I had a friend who died from drinking milk.
me: Yes, the cow sat on him.
I’m so lactose intolerant, I can’t even say cheese when I have my photo taken.
me: Coffee’s really bad for you. When I first started drinking coffee, I use to get searing, jabbing pains in my right eye.
me: Yes, until someone told me that before I drink the coffee, I should take the teaspoon out of the cup.
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day. He said “Meet Patty” (meat patti)
I bet my butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said ‘You’re right, the stakes (steaks) are too high”.
My baker has invented a machine that can slice four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls it a four loaf cleaver (four-leaf clover).
Which of King Arthur’s knights made his round table?
Sir Cumference (circumference)
What do you get when you divide the circumference of an apple by its diameter?
Did you know that three out of four people make up 75% of the world’s population?!
Four out of three people have problems with maths.
me: What’s the chemical formula for water?
me: No, it’s not! It’s HIJKLMNO. It’s H to O.
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks “How much?”. The bartender says “For you, no charge.”.
As far as Chuck Norris is concerned, there’s only one element in the periodic table; the element of surprise.
What’s the capital of France?
What’s the capital of Greece?
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light globe?
If you’re Russian (rushing) when you go to the toilet, and you’re Finnish (finish) when you come out, what are you in the toilet?
You’re a peein’ (European).
me: Knock, knock
you: Who’s there?
me: Sea mop
you: Sea mop who?
me: Eew! I don’t want to see your poo.
How much does a pirate’s earring cost?
A buck an ear (buccaneer).