I find jokes a wonderful source of entertainment. I’ve noticed they are most effective when used in a context. I often use them for icebreakers. I find people around me tend to let their guard down and relax when they realise I’m sillier than they are! Here’s a collection of some of my favourite jokes.
A bee
What do you call a bee from America?
A US bee (USB).
A turban
me: I’ve been looking for a turban and found one online.
you: Where?
me: At sikh.com (seek.com)
Paying bills
me: I hope you don’t pay your bills online? It’s very dangerous!
you: Why?
me: Well, last night, I tried to pay my water bill and electricity bill online at the same time… I almost got electrocuted!
Font
The Arial font walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve your type in here!’
Beyoncé
What did Jay-Z call his wife before he married her?
Fiancé
Forty-five cent concert
What concert costs 45¢
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Milk
me: Milk’s very bad for you. I had a friend who died from drinking milk.
you: Really?
me: Yes, the cow sat on him.
Lactose intolerance
I’m so lactose intolerant, I can’t even say cheese when I have my photo taken.
Coffee
me: Coffee’s really bad for you. When I first started drinking coffee, I use to get searing, jabbing pains in my right eye.
you: Really?
me: Yes, until someone told me that before I drink the coffee, I should take the teaspoon out of the cup.
Butcher’s wife
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day. He said “Meet Patty” (meat patti)
Steak
I bet my butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said ‘You’re right, the stakes (steaks) are too high”.
Bread
My baker has invented a machine that can slice four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls it a four loaf cleaver (four-leaf clover).
King Arthur
Which of King Arthur’s knights made his round table?
Sir Cumference (circumference)
Pi
What do you get when you divide the circumference of an apple by its diameter?
Apple pi
World population
Did you know that three out of four people make up 75% of the world’s population?!
Mathematic standards
Four out of three people have problems with maths.
Water
me: What’s the chemical formula for water?
you: H2O
me: No, it’s not! It’s HIJKLMNO. It’s H to O.
Neutron
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks “How much?”. The bartender says “For you, no charge.”.
Periodic table
As far as Chuck Norris is concerned, there’s only one element in the periodic table; the element of surprise.
France
What’s the capital of France?
F
Greece
What’s the capital of Greece?
About €20
South America
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light globe?
A Brazillian
Countries
If you’re Russian (rushing) when you go to the toilet, and you’re Finnish (finish) when you come out, what are you in the toilet?
You’re a peein’ (European).
Sea mop
me: Knock, knock
you: Who’s there?
me: Sea mop
you: Sea mop who?
me: Eew! I don’t want to see your poo.
Earring
How much does a pirate’s earring cost?
A buck an ear (buccaneer).