I find jokes a wonderful source of entertainment. I’ve noticed they are most effective when used in a context. I often use them for icebreakers. I find people around me tend to let their guard down and relax when they realise I’m sillier than they are! Here’s a collection of some of my favourite jokes.

A bee

A US bee (USB).

A turban

me: I’ve been looking for a turban and found one online.
you: Where?
me: At (

Paying bills

me: I hope you don’t pay your bills online? It’s very dangerous!
you: Why?
me: Well, last night, I tried to pay my water bill and electricity bill online at the same time… I almost got electrocuted!


The Arial font walks into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve your type in here!’



Forty-five cent concert

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.


me: Milk’s very bad for you. I had a friend who died from drinking milk.
you: Really?
me: Yes, the cow sat on him.

Lactose intolerance

I’m so lactose intolerant, I can’t even say cheese when I have my photo taken.


me: Coffee’s really bad for you. When I first started drinking coffee, I use to get searing, jabbing pains in my right eye.
you: Really?
me: Yes, until someone told me that before I drink the coffee, I should take the teaspoon out of the cup.

Butcher’s wife

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day. He said “Meet Patty” (meat patti)


I bet my butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said ‘You’re right, the stakes (steaks) are too high”.


My baker has invented a machine that can slice four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls it a four loaf cleaver (four-leaf clover).

King Arthur

Sir Cumference (circumference)


Apple pi

World population

Did you know that three out of four people make up 75% of the world’s population?!

Mathematic standards

Four out of three people have problems with maths.


me: What’s the chemical formula for water?
you: H2O
me: No, it’s not! It’s HIJKLMNO. It’s H to O.


A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks “How much?”. The bartender says “For you, no charge.”.

Periodic table

As far as Chuck Norris is concerned, there’s only one element in the periodic table; the element of surprise.




About €20

South America

A Brazillian


You’re a peein’ (European).

Sea mop

me: Knock, knock
you: Who’s there?
me: Sea mop
you: Sea mop who?
me: Eew! I don’t want to see your poo.


A buck an ear (buccaneer).